"Non, je ne regrette rien"

As I am writing this morning and listening to the songs of the "little sparrow" - Edith Piaf - my mind starts drifting back over my life. Can't think of a better place to reflect on life's 'regrets' than Turkey Hollow. With Spring encroaching into the mountains and the snow melting, it is almost impossible to be depressed about any aspect of life's journey. The concept of "if I had to live life over I wouldn't make any changes" is just ridiculous to me. Yes, each and every experience has created this person I am today. There is no question but that my end result so far is pleasing to me; however I do have regrets.

What is important to realize is that with each regret has come great gifts. Simply by embracing those gifts has enabled me not to become a victim or dwell on the negative past.

Foremost among them, is wishing that the closet door would have swung open far quicker than it did. Missing so much of my wonderful sexuality in youth through low self esteem, lies and self-hatred for being gay is something that has brought a good deal of sadness to me. Coming out sooner and having the courage to celebrate my total being would have led to such a magnificent journey. With this realization, I have absolutely refused in my later years to allow others to suppress my sexuality. Whatever was missed in my youth is being reflected in an extraordinary journey in my more senior years.

Having lost over 300 friends in the HIV/AIDS epidemic has formed my entire life. Never will I, no matter what people tell me, feel I did enough to save their lives. Feeling totally powerless watching one friend after another disappear into the light was a total horror. Waking up each morning, caring for one friend, burying another friend and heading to the Sherman Oaks AIDS ward to visit yet one more friend was my existence for over a quarter of my adult life. More than any other period, it has formed every second of life since then. Whether it is simply missing a huge number of dear loved ones or growing old without peers, AIDS is as much a part of who I am as is the sun.

Took me some time to find the gift in that dark period but there was indeed a powerful one, because eventually I realized my choice was either to become a victim of the epidemic wearing black the rest of my life or embrace the gift of life that I have been given not only for myself but with the energy of all my departed friends. That realization, that gift has enabled me to take chances, constantly be grateful, celebrate life daily, laugh all the time and not fear death.

Right up there on my list of regrets is the Great Peace March in 1986. Excerpts from an interview with Metro Weekly honestly reflects my feelings on this massive disappointment.

"MW: In 1986, you conceived of the Great Peace March for Global Nuclear Disarmament, in which thousands marched across the country from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. It was one of your biggest non-gay ventures.

MIXNER: Yeah. And the biggest political failure of my life. It was, in some ways, a success, but not because of me.

MW: Why?

MIXNER: Ego. Pure and simple. You start believing what people tell you at a young age. So instead of defining yourself and your own journey and the path that God has chosen for you, I started living the expectations of how people said they saw me. And my ego got out of control.

Fortunately, I had directed my ego to a good cause -- nuclear disarmament. The concept of the March was good and the cause was good. But the decision-making apparatus within the organization was flawed because of my ego. And it failed in the way I had planned it. Now the wonderful, magnificent part about this story is that the marchers reorganized on their own and continued to walk across country, despite the burden I had placed on them.

It is without a doubt my biggest political failure and one of my biggest regrets. Years later, I still get shaky every time I talk about it. But I have some pride in how I handled it. I didn't blame others. I didn't hold fund raisers afterwards to ask people to raise money -- I paid off four hundred and some thousand dollars worth of small debt on my own over the next five years."

Outside the HIV/AIDS crisis, the greatest gifts in my life came from the results of this march. There were so many powerful lessons. How painful they came to me have become increasingly irrelevant over the years. Am I free of ego now? - hell no. However, I am able to step back and put my ego in its proper place 99% of the time. My understanding of what 'community' is all about has my total respect now. Being humbled and humiliated for my ego-driven actions certainly has served as a healthy check as my journey proceeded after that event.

As I work myself through today's Almanac, I realize that while I have regrets they are far overshadowed by the lessons, the wisdom gained and the resulting joy. While only a partial list of my regrets, I guess I can listen to Edith and play "Non, je ne regrette rien" and feel it and believe it.

Painting by Christopher Oakley